Chapter 16: A Less Than Lucid Nightmare
A friendship is feared.
Foes past approach.
It's all taken care of.
Christina has a whole new Nightmare.
Dusk was drawing close, but the dark cloud covered horizon left any late amber light trapped behind a sea of dreary grey. Slowly over the hours the sky's dark hue had turned from dull to dreary, and now as the sun that illuminated the clouds grew weaker behind them, the lifeless colour began to turn further from dreary to dreadful. I could tell that there would be no moonlight to provide comfort through the night, and without the sky's lone traveler we would each be alone ourselves.
Even if the sky hadn't been so horrid, so much of it was covered by the endless rows of tall buildings around me. I couldn't remember how, but I found myself wandering through the back streets of the Capital. Unlike the roads I was used to walking in my previous life, these paths were narrow and cold. Uneven stones led to massive collections of water pooling in random places. Bystanders loitering in every corner leered at my every move, and the only sources of light coming from partially obscured windows and the occasional urchin fire. 'I need to get out of here.' I thought to myself. I couldn't remember the reason I had started down this path in the first place, but I had been walking long enough that going back wasn't an option. The only way out was forward, and I had to hope that I would reach it before the muted sunset gave way to moonless dark.
As I walked I only became more aware of the many eyes peering at me from the shadows. I could feel them stalking me around each corner and down every path. It was clear to anyone that I didn't belong here, and I could feel the preying gaze of those who made these places their home. Their keen eyes watching me, patient but hungry. The world around me slowly grew darker as I quickened my pace. As I trudged forward the few sources of light that served to hold back the darkness began appearing less and less frequently. Shop keeps blew out their candles, and residents drew their curtains shut. With that my path forward only proved more treacherous. More and more I would slip my footing over uneven cobblestones, snapping to recover my balance lest I fall prey to the damp ground below.
Harsh winds rolling in were only amplified as the sharp gusts screamed down the straight roads, like a torrent down a perfect stream. The cold air stung against my skin, chilling me to the bone as I struggled even more with the poorly maintained street paved ahead. I tried to cling to my clothes for warmth only to realized where I had been used to fine fitting fur lined garments, I found only damp old ill worn rags around me instead. Looking down at myself I realized how I must look. Just a shivering girl dressed in scraps, huddling her way through dark forgotten streets.
Rousing me from my dark reflection I heard a familiar sound, if only in nature. Joyous chuckles and the harsh clicks of proper shoes against the cobbled street. Looking forward, I could see a small contingent of nobles making their way toward me. Dressed in the finest Crevician dress, they were both warmed and illuminated by their own well fueled lanterns. They strode confidently into the darkness, with even those who would otherwise prey from the shadows retreating away in front of them. They were untouchable, even from all the filth and ire of these dark roads.
As they drew close I reached out towards them in plea, hoping they would realize my common plight. But instead of a warm hand, all I received were empty stares. As the nobles passed me by I realized their looks were of shock, but not from the fact that they saw another noble suffering in such a place, but shock from what they saw as a filthy street rat would even dare to approach them so. After a moment they quickly found humor in my pleas, their full bodied laughter rang throughout the dark night bouncing sharply off each building wall. Suddenly as the hallow ring of their echoed laugh filled my ears, despair pooled in my eyes. How could they assume that I was simply some common beggar? They had to know who I was, that I didn't belong here with this wretched filth. Even stripped of my titles I was under the care of high ranking diplomats! Surely those who were once my peers would understand this . . . wouldn't they?
In desperation I mustered all the energy in my freezing body and thrust myself back towards the nobles, catching hold of one of their winter cloaks. "Please, I'm one of you!" I tried to plead, the harsh temperature chattering my teeth as I did.
Despite my cries, the man I was now clung to simply swept back his cloak, ripping it from my frozen grip-less hands. "Get off me, peasant!" He shouted, the disgust in his voice rippling through every word.
As his cloak swirled out of my palms he then shoved me back to the ground. My bones frail from the biting winds, I simply tumbled over. Unable to catch my feet, I tripped back further into the muddy pit that had collected in a huge divot of missing stones and sunken earth on the disrepaired street. I landed with a splash, mud now covering my body head to toe. From the nobles came an eruption of laughter, ringing off each wall and surrounding me in fear and shame. What was worse now as the dark veil of the moonless sky crept closer, the preying eyes of thieves in the night seized their moment to swarm. Suddenly dark figures hidden by the dark and the mud grabbed out from each direction. Ripping at me, clawing at my clothes piece by piece. As each moment passed I swung wildly in all directions around to fend off the would-be-thieves. But as I now was; scared and confused, my actions did so little. Slowly I was left victim, as those dark figures stole piece after piece of what little fabric I had left.
Suddenly, amidst the swarming hands of predators in the night, I saw one hand that felt different. It wasn't outstretched towards me in ravenous hunger, but instead in urgent care. Without a second thought I reached out and took the mystery hand. It felt warm to the touch, and firm in its grasp. Suddenly I could feel being pulled away, as the hands of my assailants fell back in turn. For a small moment it felt like I was being saved, and suddenly as the shadowy figures of my attackers retreated I saw that my saviour was none other than Hazel.
But something was wrong. Hazel looked different . . . more disheveled than usual. Her sandpaper hair tangled and falling out in thick patches, her face cover in dark purple bruises, and warts infecting her skin. The intense feeling that something was wrong dawned on me, and as Hazel pulled me toward her I realized that she's wasn't helping me up, but instead simply pulling me further into the mud.
At the end of her grasp I landed face forward with a massive splash. For a brief moment the mud and muck around me completely enveloped my senses. I could see, feel, and even taste nothing more than the slop and grime of the filth ridden streets. Gasping for air I wiped the mud from my face and eyes. Looking back at my friend with a sense of betrayal, I coughed up mud that had forced its way into my lungs. Hazel however simply smiled in return and held her hand back out towards me, as if to offer me a place further down with her in the mud. Through her grin I could see patches of missing teeth, and even one such tooth barely still attached, hanging off her gums by a thread.
I jumped back from my friend, covering my mouth as I screamed in abject horror. I couldn't understanding how such a towering and confident figure like Hazel could turn into the decrepit girl I saw before me now. Was this what such a place did to you? How could Hazel let herself become . . . this?
Suddenly I felt something change, deep in my body as if the very streets had found their way inside me. Beyond that I felt something in my hands. Fear and realization fell over me like the now black night's sky as I pulled my hands away from me; only to see a tooth, one of my own, fallen fresh from my mouth now resting in my palm.
Denial flooded my body as terror took root in my soul. I looked up at Hazel before me, her crooked cavity filled grin stared hauntingly back. She looked down at the tooth in my hand and then back to me. There was a victory in her eyes as she spoke.
"Don't worry doll, you'll get used to it."
************
Day 29
************
Suddenly I lunged forward, gasping viciously for air like I'd just been drowning. It wasn't until after a few seconds of panic that I even realized I was awake. I could feel the drenched pool of sweat beneath me, the moisture sticking to my skin as the heat of my nightmare rolled off into the cool morning air. I put my hand to my chest to feel my heart which continued to beat hard and fast like I was still dreaming. Despite the realization that I was now in the waking world, my body took its own sweet time adjusting from its state of panicked flight. I placed my hands down on the bed next to me to stabilize myself, and slowly tried to catch my breath.
This was by far one of my worst nightmares yet. The constant fear, the abandonment, the loneliness . . . it was all so vivid. What made it worse was that even Hazel's presence which I had previously only found to be comforting and steadfast, in my dream seemed to be the complete opposite and only make everything worse as she dragged me down to her level. The sight of her decrepit and disgusting haunted me, and I shut my eyes trying to think of anything else in order to shake the vivid memories of my sleeping torment free. Slowly and surely, my breath began to steady and the image in my mind grew weaker. I finally felt like I could catch my breath and let go of the tension in my shoulders. It was all just a dream.
Though sadly it seemed like the horror didn't contain itself to just my sleep. As I grew calm I began to realize something; the damp feeling around me was from more than just sweat. I could feel heavy moisture pool under my palms, a damp weight on my legs, and a now cold mattress begin to sag beneath me. Something wasn't right. My heartbeat quickened once more as I threw my blankets off from over me in panic. I prayed to any gods that would listen that it wasn't what I feared, but nothing could save me from the truth. As my blanket fell to the floor the sight of a dark puddle spreading out from under me, as well as a sickly sweet stench that now escaped into the open air proved the reality undeniable. I had wet the bed.
"No no no no no. . ." I begged to myself as I began to slowly crawl back away from the large stain on my mattress. There was no way this could be happening. I had to still be dreaming.
As I pushed myself back into a small corner of my bed the reality of the situation started to sink in. Even as I moved away from the large damp spot beneath me I could still feel my soaked pajamas sticking to my skin. Even beyond my bottoms the back of my night shirt was equally drenched as it now stuck to my back. As the bitingly sour smell from my accident was becoming more and more undeniable all I could do was sit there and stare at the large round spot on my mattress, praying I would wake up, but knowing that I wouldn't.
I sat there completely motionless, more than feelings of denial or grief, another thought slowly spread to possess my mind; dread. 'I have to fix this.' I thought to myself, realizing that the shame and humiliation I felt now would be nothing compared to what would come if anyone else in the manor found out what had happened.
Suddenly my body burst into action as I leapt off the bed. If I could clean everything up before any of my guardians came to check on me then nobody would ever have to know. It was okay I told myself, I could fix this. I quickly stripped myself of all my clothes, throwing them into a pile at the edge of the room before then moving to strip the bed. Quickly balling up the sheets as I ripped them from the mattress, I threw them in the same pile as my clothes off in the corner. Quickly checking the state of the blanket I had previously thrown to the floor, I saw that there was a small wet stain. Though it was one that might have gone unnoticed if I were to simply keep that side of the blanket face down, the idea of continuing to sleep covered in a once urine soaked blanket disgusted me. Despite knowing there was nothing to replace it, I balled up the comforter and threw it with the rest of the pile. Surely I could just tell my guardians that since it had been nearly a month of using this same blanket that I had wanted it to be washed.
Eager to get rid of all traces of my incident, I quickly threw a towel around my naked body and scooped up the pile of soiled fabrics. I took a moment to stop and compose myself before opening my door and rushing to the chute at the end of the hall, quickly disposing of any evidence to my shame.
As I slammed the chute closed, sending the soaked garments tumbling down to the basement, I stood for a moment leaning against the hatch, one fist clenched tightly around its grip. 'It's done.' I told myself. 'Nobody's the wiser.' My heartrate finally started to slow as I could feel a sense of relief wash over me like a cool breeze. Adjusting my towel, I started back towards my room. 'It's okay." I thought to myself. 'It's like it never even happened.'
Entering back into my room, it was time to remake my bed and forget about all of this. I moved to open the drawer of my dresser that stored spare linens I used to make my bed each morning and went to start the final task, before I was met with another unsettling surprise.
As I pulled against the dresser drawer, despite all the times before when it had slid open freely, today the compartment refused to budge. Confused, I struggled against the drawer once more, before realizing the familiar situation I now found myself in. Just like so many doors in this house, the linen drawer was magically locked. Despite understanding the situation I now found myself in, I stop myself from struggling against the wooden dresser a desperate display of futility. After it became increasingly obvious that my efforts amounted to nothing, my breathing slowed to a halt. If I couldn't dress my bed, there was one problem yet that I could not solve. Slowly with baited breath I turned about to see that to my dismay, there was still a large darkened puddle outlined on the mattress itself. After I had already disposed of anything I could have used to cover the spot up, and without the ability to replace my sheets from my linen drawer, I knew that the moment that anyone entered my room they would see the unmistakable evidence and know exactly what happened. It was only a matter of time before my guardians learned that I had wet the bed.
My eyes glazed over as the realization washed over me. There was nothing I could do to stop this, just like everything else in my life right now I was completely powerless. I had a nightmare, I wet the bed, and everyone was going to find out. I began to slowly dissociate as my legs moved lifelessly beneath me. The only thing I could do at this point was continue with my morning routine. Wrapped in my morning towel I drifted towards my door and out into the hall, ready to take my bath and start my day. For a single moment of lucidity before I fully departed I turned around once more to look at the mess that I had made. I sighed to myself in defeat; after all what else could I really expect.
*******************************
After my bath I returned to my room briefly to get dressed. After which I joined the Southgards for breakfast like I always did. The only possible way I might not be found out at this point was to hope that nobody entered my room for as long as it took for my bed to fully dry. Knowing how bad my accident and how spoiled the mattress was I knew it was a fools hope, but I held onto it all the same. While I sat down to try to enjoy my breakfast it was all I could do to stop myself from breaking out in tears. Looking occasionally to any of my three guardians I could feel the shame and embarrassment that was sure to come when I was found out, but I fought against everything to keep my calm regardless. If there was any chance I could avoid this nightmare, it would only be by keeping it together.
It wasn't too long into breakfast though that at least one mystery was solved. Rowan at one point after a sip of his coffee cleared his throat and announced that the three of them had spoken since my 'outburst with Camille' and had decided that because of how 'clearly distraught' I was at the idea of having to properly make my bed, they didn't think I could be trusted to do the chore each morning without incident. Going forward, it would be the house staff that was responsible for making my bed each morning instead of me. Lena had tried to voice that this was actually for the better, that since it proved such a struggle for me now I wouldn't have to worry as much. Despite the fact that I didn't at all care for doing the chore in the first place, being told I was so bad at the task I wasn't to be trusted to complete it still stung none the less.
On top of that, my guardians explained to me that even though they decided that they had asked too much of me, my actions that morning warranted punishment regardless. In light of this, they informed me that now each night my bedtime would be moved forward one hour, from needing me to be in my room at nine 'o'clock, to now eight. On top of that it had previously been the case that so long as I was in my room at the proper time, I could decide for myself exactly when I wanted to fall asleep. But now they explained that going forward I was expected to be in my bed and asleep no later than ten. This was supposedly to ensure that I kept a good sleeping schedule, woke up at the same time each morning with frequency, and didn't hinder any of the duties of the maids who now were to clean my room for me. Honestly, while they explained all this I nearly didn't care. My mind was still stuck on a singular revelation; at some point today one of the maids would enter my room to clean it, and after that being found out was only a matter of time . . .
Sullen and defeated I ate my breakfast in silence, which if I'm being completely honest wasn't all that much of a change from most mornings. As things stood it no longer felt difficult to keep up my poker face, as being found out was now a complete certainty. It didn't feel like I was lying to my guardians, I was simply waiting for them to discover the truth themselves.
Noticing my demeanor, Lena attempted to cheer me up by telling me of our plans for the day. We were off on another trip to the capital, she explained. She had a shopping trip planned for just the two of us, and she promised I would enjoy it. I tried to offer Lena a smile, and I did wonder what she might have planned for the trip when she said knew I'd enjoy it, but despite that it still proved difficult to get out of my own head. After breakfast was finished, Lena took me straight to the front hall and we got ready for our short journey to the capital.
*******************************
I sighed to myself as the carriage slowed to a halt. I had stayed silent for the entire trip, but now decided that at the very least I should try to figure out what I was in for. "What are we going to be shopping for?" I asked, expecting the worst.
Lena rose from her seat and began to exit the carriage, climbing down the steps herself rather than waiting for Veric to come and offer his help. Turning back around to present me with her own hand to assist my exit, she answered. "Well, since you've been enjoying reading so much I thought we might start by getting some books for you to keep in your room, as well as some other things to help furnish it up a bit." She said to me with a kind smile as I accepted her hand and lowered myself onto the paved road below.
I was mildly intrigued. I had to hope that the reason she brought me with her to buy these things was because she wanted my input, and if that was the case and I actually got to help choose what Lena bought for me, then for once I might have a modicum of control. My room had always felt very empty, so getting some things to help furnish it up a bit would actually be nice.
"Oh. . . Okay." I said, my voice a little lighter after having asked. Lena seemed to notice my improved mood, and beamed in turn. She reached her hand out to me welcomingly which I took without protest, and this time; even without annoyance.
As we walked down the busy street, I felt a little bit better. The day was wonderful, there was barely a cloud in the sky, and a warm gentle breeze gently brushed my face. I Looked out to the crowds of people all going about their lives. Walking with their loved ones, chatting with shop keeps, enjoying a meal in the fresh open air. Everyone looked to be enjoying the pleasant morning sun, and in that moment I realized that I had never noticed the world like this before. Why was that, I wondered?
Beyond the bustling crowds going about their day, different than the regular folk there were some notable outsiders that were hard to miss. Silencian peacekeepers. Their uniforms despite being designed in what was probably an attempt to seem friendly and non-threatening, were painfully eye-catching as a clash of northern fashion amidst the sea of normal Crevician citizens and their dress. I knew that I had personally lost so much to the Silencian invasion, but I wondered what it was like for the common folk of my kingdom, even if they hadn't lost nearly as much. How did it feel for our people to have these foreigners constantly watching over them? We had a guard presence before the invasion of course, but this was different surely. Even if they were called peacekeepers, these were the people who invaded our home.
My eyes casually followed one of these men in uniform, until he passed by something that caught my attention. In a small corner of the market that I otherwise could have missed, stood a familiar face; Hazel. Standing at the mouth of a secluded alley leaned up against a wall, my friend looked to be talking with two other men. For a moment I almost needed a double take, considering the unlikely happen stance of running into her a third time in a city of thousands. But it was Hazel plain as day. Exact same hair, exact same jacket, and exact same energy.
It was almost shocking seeing her look so different than she had in my nightmare last night. She stood exactly as I previously remembered, her sun speckled hair full bodied and wind blown, her figure strong and confident. Even from this far away I could see her face while still smudged and dirty, was devoid of any warts or seriously disfiguring. She was nothing like the dark reflection I saw in my dream.
But in other ways; she was. She stood at the mouth of a dark shadowy opening, speaking in a clearly hushed tone to two men, brutish and shady. They each kept their hands firm in their pockets and eyes constantly darting around the area to watch any peacekeeper that patrolled about, even going silent and ducking their heads if one ever came too close. It shouldn't have surprised me; as even if Hazel had never told me directly I always kind of guessed that she was some kind of criminal. From living on the street, her natural dexterity, her knack for getting into places she shouldn't be, and even her language like saying she "cased" the manor out before meeting me in the garden. But despite being aware of all that, seeing her act and associate with other criminals first hand left me feeling uncomfortable.
Maybe at one point I would have tried to get Hazel's attention, see if there was a way to pry myself away from Lena and spend time with my friend. But even with all of our fond memories from recent weeks, I could still see Hazel's horrific cavity filled grin staring back at me, and I couldn't get the image out of my head. 'Don't worry doll, you'll get used to it.' She had said.
I didn't want to get used to it, and I refused to ever become like that. Rather than trying to get the attention of my friend, I decided to leave her to her shady business. With a small twinge of guilt I tucked my head down, and prayed that, unlike the Peacekeepers wandering about, my own Silencian clothing wouldn't stop me from going unnoticed.
Lena seemed to notice my shifted posture, and her own eyes wandered about. Though I was unsure what she expected to see, I felt better knowing that she had no way to recognize Hazel in the crowd. After a moment I saw what I thought was the tiniest curl from the corner of Lena's lip, before she gave my hand a little squeeze. "Come along. It's not too much further." She said, leaning down to whisper in my ear, before picking up her pace ever so slightly.
During our shopping trip, it was clear that Lena was making a bit of an attempt to pamper me. We traveled around the market stopping at any number of shops. Each time she would ask me to just wander about and pick out a few things I liked. Between it all I chose a fair number of books, some throw blankets, and even an expensive decorative hair pin. But it was Lena's choices for me that were far more impactful. While she also picked out a selection of books, Lena's choices were far more simple. All of them short retelling of fairytales and explorations of whimsical worlds. She even chose a few children's picture books. On top of that she bought a number of different bedsheets, many with colorful or childlike patterning. I suppose she thought that since I was no longer making my own bed each morning it was now her chance to decide how my sheets looked as well. Among the items she chose there were also a number of stuffed animals, though she was explicit in telling me that she didn't expect any of them to replace Arthur. Rather they were just "extra friends to make your room more welcoming." Funny enough from the of variety stuffed animals, a few that she didn't pick out for me was both a grey dog with pointed ears, and a black bird with a red beak; leaving both of them behind. In a slightly unexpected destination , the next place Lena brought us to was a small furniture shop. After a small bit of idle browsing we came upon a vanity. Painted white with pastel pink accents, a moderately sized trifold mirror spanned out from the center. Two drawers on either side allowed for modest storage space, and accompanied with a matching stool to complete it all. It was beautifully hand carved, and if not for the colour would have been something I myself could have personally coveted. Of course I was sure the colour is one of the things that drew Lena to it in the first place. Quickly falling in love with it, she arranged for the vanity to be delivered to the manor, and even I had to admit that it would be something I would enjoy, even if only to myself.
Moving on from the small furniture shop, we next found ourselves at the most surprising location; a music store. Moments after we arrived Lena bent down in front of me and took both my hands. "Now Christina, I know of course that some of the things we bought today will take you a bit of time to warm up to. I just want to say thank you for being open to that chance. And for that, as well as being so well behaved, I wanted to get you something else quite special." She said with sincerity.
I felt conflicted. While I appreciated the gesture, the reasons I hadn't made any fuss was because I knew none of it was really up to me. And now in the end it felt like I was being rewarded not for actively allowing anything, but accepting a lack of control.
Without giving me much time to figure out my thoughts, Lena turned around and led me further into the store. After a moment of reflection I remembered a conversation I had with Lena weeks ago, when I told her about how I used to play the violin, and she had replied telling me they would have to eventually get me a new one.
My intuition proved correct. Ushering me to a specific section of the store, Lena asked me to pick out which ever violin I preferred. Despite the fact that I hadn't held a violin since before the invasion, each time I picked one up to try, lifting it to my neck and letting the bow glide gracefully across the strings felt like the most natural thing in the world. After each test despite the fact that I was only playing simple scales Lena would clap and smile excitedly, asking me if this was the one; to which I would simply shake my head and on move to another. After some time browsing, I found it. A beautiful dark ebony wood our string violin, with a matching swan bill headed bow. As I picked it up to test it, it fit perfectly between my shoulder and jaw. Drawing the bow across a first few notes so I could hear it's voice, I was instantly smitten with the dark round tone that played fourth. Slowly as I adjusted to its tune and became more comfortable with the instrument in my hands, my natural instincts quickly took over. Slowly moving away from playing simple scales, I began to let the instrument itself guide my bowing as my fingers danced across the strings. Blissfully I began to drift into a gentle legato, each note flowing seamlessly into the next. The music filled my mind as everything else around me faded away into nothing, and I reached a place I hadn't been sure could still exist.
Painfully interrupting me from my bliss, Lena rang out once more with her own cacophony of clapping hands. Suddenly I opened my eyes, only having just realized that I even closed them in the first place. Lena's face was painted with the exact same excited smile. "Is this the one?" She asked in a way that was identical to all the other times before.
I brought the Violin away from my neck and looked at it once more. Even the detailing on the instrument was exquisite. The woodwork so perfectly curved and sealed, with not a scratch or splinter in sight. Lastly as a final touch, the creator had taken to carving small vines across both ends of the waist. It was perfect.
"Yes, this is the one." I softly replied.
Once Lena had made the final purchase the store attendant packaged the instrument up in a secure box for transport. I asked my guardian if I might be able to bring it home with us myself, but much to my disappointment she informed me that like all the other items we had today, she would arrange for it to be delivered to the house; explaining she didn't want worry about carrying anything from shop to shop. Bidding my new violin farewell, we found ourselves back on the street and on our way to the next destination. Still feeling moved by my time in the music shop, I realized I was actually in a good mood. My time out with Lena had proved much more freeing than I honestly could have hoped, and that despite all my expectations of being subjected to her undesirable whims I found that broadly I was happy with everything she had decided so far. It felt . . . really nice.
Holding Lena's hand as we made our way down another street, I wondered if maybe I could get my guardian to agree to something else.
"Lena?" I asked as we continued forward down our path. "Could we possibly go to a clothing store while we're out? I was hoping maybe I would get the chance to pick some things out for myself." I said, carefully trying to find the phrasing that would give my request the best chance.
Lena looked over to me with an amused smile, before turning back to the way ahead. "Oh darling, maybe another time! We only have one last stop on our journey today. We need go back and visit Regina's shop to try on the outfits we had you measured for. Today's our appointment with her, don't you remember?" She asked, smiling back at me for a moment and giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
A small pit suddenly formed in my chest. I had forgotten all about our follow up appointment with the tailor. It amazed me how quickly my mood dropped as I realized what was about to take place. All day I had gotten to feel a small taste of freedom, but to close it off I would be stood back up on display, and used like a doll for Lena to fawn over. Nothing could excite me less . . . well, almost nothing.
But suddenly even amidst my own self pity, something before us caught my eye. Completely on instinct I dug in my heels and planted my feet, eyes locked before me to the source of my reaction. A small ways down the road, a gentleman approached. He stood average height, with a stocky and intimidating build. Wearing a casual suit, a pocketwatch dangled from his front left pocket, and suspenders that poked out of his jacket to hold up his pants. A thick tuff of combed over hair betrayed his age, and an even thicker handlebar mustache gave him a signature look. Even with his mildly interesting appearance, there was only one reason I actually recognized him.
This was one of the men that I had borrowed money from after the Silencian rule took all of my family's wealth. I remember being told by an acquaintance that he and a few others would be willing to lend money that I could use to prove my status and cement myself as nobility with the new rule. He was also one of the lenders that grouped together to have me arrested months later.
But even more than that, there was something special about this gentleman. A month and a half after meeting with me and agreeing to the loan, this man had shown up at the doorstep of my villa, demanding that I pay him the interest that he was owed. I remember being so confused back then, not realizing what I had gotten myself into. I told him I would pay him back as soon as my titles were restored, and after all why did he care I had asked him. It was only money, and it wasn't like someone like him could have had any better use for it. I remembered the look on his face, red hot and bewildered. He had glanced around him with a clenched fist, before growling to me that eventually my luck would run out. After that he spit down between my feet and left. At the time I was more annoyed than anything else, but remembering back I was only now realizing how insulting I had been to him, and that if it hadn't been for the presence of the peacekeepers in that neighborhood, the brute might have attacked me. I had to imagine that after he and the other lenders had me arrested they must have all assumed I was in jail, and if he learned that was not the case . . . this man was prepared to attack me back then, I could only imagine what he might do now.
After everything that had happened since. . . Getting arrested, being sentenced to jail, and being, for lack of a better word, saved by the Southgards. By complete happenstance he was here again, walking right towards me.
"Christina, come along now. We have an appointment to keep." Lena called over impatiently as she pulled me along.
Despite the fact that the man in the distance hadn't yet noticed me, with every step he took closer I could feel myself start to panic. Instinctively I squeezed Lena's grip with one hand and tugged on her sleeve with another. Fear taking hold of my body the childish actions were all I could accomplish.
"Christina? What's the matter? Are you alright?" Asked Lena as she stopped and turned back towards me, her voice now filled equally with confusion and concern.
I tried to speak up in order to explain, but the words crumbled like ash in my mouth. The details of his person coming into focus as he drew closer and closer with each step. In my mind I could only see his red, rage filled face as he had stood in front of me, the anger boiling off of him prepared to erupt. I could feel tears start to well in my eyes, but as I stared at the man's approaching figure I wasn't even able to blink them away. Frozen in panic it was all I could do to raise my hand and point down the street towards him, now only a short distance away.
Lena turned to look in the direction that I pointed, and as she realized the man walking towards us was the source of my current state I noticed her posture shift. Her shoulders rolled back and she too gripped my hand a little tighter. There was something about her in this moment, somehow I knew she understood. My guardian then turned back toward me before bending down, wrapping one arm around my back and the other around my waist.
"Close your eyes for me, darling." Ordered Lena, before standing back up, lifting me with her as she did. She quickly moved her lower arm under me to support my weight and secure me in her grasp.
Suddenly as I could feel Lena lift me into the air, I instinctively wrapped my arms and legs around her for stability. At the same time, I did as she asked and closed my eyes. Once Lena secured me in her arms she pulled my head over her shoulder in an embrace, protecting me from anything that drew close.
Even as my eyes stayed shut, I pressed my head into the crook of Lena's neck to ensure I saw nothing. I could hear the sound of this man's approaching footsteps, but even as the harsh clack of his heels assaulted my ears, I kept still and silent. He couldn't have been more than a few feet away at this point, but Lena's embrace shielded me from harm, and kept my panic at bay. In my head there was only one thought; 'She'll protect me. Lena will protect me.' Slowly the sound of approaching footsteps reached its apex . . . only to start falling away behind us just as fast. Realizing that the danger had simply passed us by, I every so slightly raised my head to peek through open eyes. I saw the man's back facing us as he continued on his way. Walking passed, he must have barely noticed us, and more importantly must not have recognized me.
Suddenly I could feel Lena lowering me back down from her arms, and as my feet touched the ground a wave of relief washed over me. I blinked back the tears that had pooled in my eyes and slowly begun to fall.
"It's okay now, Christina. I've got you." Said Lena, crouching down to wipe a stray tear from my cheek.
I sniffed back any further emotions, and looked up at Lena, vulnerably grateful. I didn't have any words, but smiled thankfully as I tried to express my appreciation. Lena looked back at me, eyes brimming with care. She opened her mouth speechlessly for a moment, before deciding on her words. "Christina . . . I know that one day, while I was gone for work last week, you got scared and called out for me. . ." She said before looking away for a moment, on her face the barest hint of regret. "Christina, I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you like I promised. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to make things right. But I'll make sure that from here on out, I'll be there when you need me. You don't need to worry about feeling afraid or alone, I'll always be there to make things right." She promised once more, looking deep into my eyes as she gently held my cheek.
In this moment, I believed her. She had just saved me from that horrible man, and I knew she would continue to be there when I needed her most. I believed her. I really did.
But equally in that moment, an intrusive thought crept into my mind. I tried dismiss the thought and silence it, but annoyingly it refused to be quite. Finally after a few moments of pause as Lena continued to gently hold my face, I opened up. "I . . . I really don't want to go to Regina's and be forced to try on clothes in front of everyone, I really don't like it and . . ." I considered my words carefully, trying my best to explain in a way Lena would understand. "The idea makes me scared. . ."
As I spoke, I saw that my admission brought a frown to her lips. Even the small amount of sadness that grew in Lena's eyes was painfully obvious to me, and I couldn't help but feel that even now as I asked for her help I was somehow letting her down.
But despite the disheartened look in her eyes, Lena forced a small smile. "Of course darling, I'm glad you told me." She said, gently caressing my cheek. "You don't have to try on anything you don't want to. Besides, Regina made everything exactly to your measurements so I'm sure it will all fit fine." she noted as she stood up at last. "And even if anything doesn't quite fit, I'm sure we can ask Cynthia to help us out with that." She said, smiling and giving me a wink.
I nodded shyly to my guardian as she slowly pulled her hand away from my face. While I was beyond thankful to Lena for sparing me, I still felt the weight of her disappointment compounding with my own sense of shame. "Thank you, Lena." I said quietly, averting my eyes to the ground.
Lena then reached out to hold my hand once again. "You're very welcome." She lovingly replied. "Now, why don't we go home?" She asked rhetorically.
Despite the fact that I knew it wasn't a question and that my input absolutely did not matter, I looked back at my guardian and nodded all the same; readily agreeing with what ever Lena decided.
